Chat Room Debate:
Ė Early Or Late?
25 f London, I am working as a Management Consultant. U?
Salaam! 18 Female London. Iím studying
Pharmacy @ uni.
R u Single? J
Nope, Iíve been married for 2 years. U?
:-o Iím single, thank God! How cum u r married sooooo young? Were u forced? R
I try my best. No I wasnít forced Ė
actually I had 2 convince my family to let me marry while I was at college.
Itís the best decision I ever made! J My husband is very kind and understanding. How come you are
still single? Have you ever been in a relationship before?
I doubt that
I wud be able 2 pursue my career whilst having a family. My education &
career r important 2 me. Iíll marry later when I am ready to settle. I have
been in relationships b4. Iíve had a handful of boyfriends in my past. But
Iím single @ the mo! Iím not a bad girl though, if thatís what you think? L
I donít intend to judge u, but u do
realize that being wid a guy without being in sum form of halal relationship
according to Islam is forbidden by God. This is true even if u donít go all
the way. Its haram 2 flirt, kiss, hold hands etc. Even 2 talk 2 each other
privately on the mobile in an intimate way is not right.
Career_Chic: Yeh I know. L
Ms_Taqwa: As 4 education; Iíve been married for
the last 2 years and have continued my education. Once we have finished
studying, we intend 2 start a family and start up a business 2gether. Cos of my
marriage, Iíve been blessed with da wonderful companionship of my husband and
the moral and practical support from both our families.
is lucky enough to have such supportive family & in-lawsÖ
Perhaps that is so, but if you are
married, u at least have the security of a supportive husband. It has also
helped me 2 mature and gain experience about life, which no educational
institution could ever have taught me. We have satisfied each otherís sexual
needs whilst protecting each other from sin.
What if you
were to get pregnant before you plan to have children? That would mess things up
for you wouldnít it?!
It is possible to get pregnant even if we
try to avoid it. But I wouldnít consider it as a misfortune. We wud have 2
reassess our priorities. But I wud take it as a blessing and a challenge from
Allah. However if u consider da contrast between a child being conceived in an
early marriage 2 a pregnancy in an illicit relationship, you will have to admit
that it is much better to be pregnant whilst being married. If u were 2 get
pregnant by a b/f that your family did not know about, what would u do? Imagine
the trauma u would go through. What will that do 4 ur educational and career
aspirations? However you may well decide 2 have an abortion to avoid all that
stress. But from being a young woman who was just having some fun you became a
woman who kills her own child in her own womb? Can you imagine living with
yourself after that? Whereas, if a child was born 2 me whilst I am still a young
wife, I would have the support of my husband and our families. It will be the
beginning of a new and fulfilling meaning 2 our life.
I can see
where u r coming from, but what if I was a woman & I decided neither 2 get
married young, nor have any haram relationships, but remained celibate till I
was ready 4 marriage after pursuing my career? Whatís wrong with that? Besides
I am waiting for Mr. Right 2 come along, only then I will marry.
Itís a fact that Islam encourages
people Ė in particular young women Ė 2
marry ASAP. Da Holy Prophet has said: ďOh people! Gabriel descended
down to me from the All-Kind, All-Knowing Allah and said: ĎVirgins are like
the fruits of trees. When they get ripe (mature Ė and the season of their
plucking arrives), if they do not get picked up, the sun-heat makes them sour,
and the winds of autumn make them scattered off. So are the virgin girls that
when they reach puberty and attain that which the women attain (i.e.
menstruation) then there is no alternative for them except to be given husbands.
And if they do not marry, there would be no security that they do not get pushed
towards corruption; because they are humans.íĒ[i]
If one decides 2 go against the teachings of the Prophet & Imams,
then that person should have some very good reasons and explanations for doing
Yes but times
have changed, we live in a different era, we have different roles to play. How
can we be so sure these teachings have relevance today?
Being in a halal relationship has always
been a more natural state of existence than being single. Didnít God create
the first humans as a pair? He created Adam and Eve 2gether. This shows the
natural human state of existence is when one is within a relationship with
oneís spouse. Being out of this natural state brings many bad effects on the
individual and the society at large. As an individual, being single for an
unnecessarily long time can cause emotional and psychological problems, like
frustration, loneliness, depression and general unhappiness. Delaying marriage
can be detrimental Ė in particular to us women. We canít afford to delay
& delay & delayÖ because we have our biological clock ticking away. If
we donít marry and have children by the time we reach menopause, it wonít be
healthy to try to mother a child after that.
This is no
longer relevant today, I remembering hearing something in the news that it is
now possible to treat post-menopause women to be able to have children. Whatís
stopping me from making use of these advances?
Once menopause occurs, there are no
longer eggs within the ovary. The only way to achieve a pregnancy is with the
use of egg donation. Not only will the child not biologically be your own but
pregnancy in older women can be associated with increased risks of complications
such as eclampsia, seizures, stroke and death. There are many other medical
reasons as to why we should marry & start procreating early rather than
late. It was only the other day I was reading in the London Metro (pg.11, Tues,
April 30, 2002), that new research shows a ďÖwomanís fertility rate starts
declining as early as her late 20s. It was previously believed this
deterioration began in the mid- 30s.Ē For men this deterioration starts in
their 30ís. Also the chances of getting breast cancer increases if a woman has
her first child after 30, or doesnít have any children at all.
Career_Chic: Really? I didnít know all that. I
shall look into it and do my own research.
Choosing 2 marry late also affects
society in a negative way. When we as women deny men the right to have a halal
relationship with us it pushes men with hardly any options but 2 commit sin.
This would be the case if it was the other way round too. If the majority of men
decided 2 turn away from the legitimate needs of us women we too would have
little choice but 2 commit sin. So with the delaying of marriage, sin in society
increases. Perhaps this is why Allah says men and women are a protection for
each other by describing them as garments of each other (Qurían 2:187).
It also affects da population growth of da society.
How do u
If people delay their marriages, this
fall in stable relationships decreases reproduction in society in general. This
is because when people opt for illicit casual relationships they also tend to
opt for the use of contraception and abortion. Hence, da birth rate drops. In da
long term this can be cataclysmic 4 da society.
I thought the world is over-populated and birth control is what we need for the
healthy future of this planet?!
Demographically it will get 2 a point
where da population of da elder-pensioner strata of da society will expand,
whilst simultaneously da younger generation that would normally financially
support this age group will not have been sufficiently replaced. Thus this young
economically productive section of society will be too small 2 be able 2 support
the elder-pensioner strata of society. Result? Ė We will have an economic
collapse of da whole society. Western policy makers are realizing our societies
are heading in this direction. We are realizing when we grow old our pensions
will be worth next 2 nothing. 2 combat this, either we need 2 encourage our
societies 2 start reproducing more, or we need 2 support our populationís
workforce wid immigration, or encourage ppl to retire later. @ present da
Western governments are starting employ all these methods to try to avoid this
impending catastrophe. So all of this propaganda the West is spreading through
the world that we shud control our population growth is proving 2 be nonsense. 4
our survival as a species we need 2 do quite da opposite! Subhanallah! Dis is
exactly what Islam has been teaching us all along!
brought up sum points I shall I have 2 think about. Iíll look into these
issues and get back 2 uÖ[ii]
TO BE CONTNIUED IN THE NEXT ISSUE IN CHAT ROOM DEBATE: MUTAH Ė USE OR ABUSE?