Chat Room Debate:

Marriage – Early Or Late?

Career_Chic: Salam, I’m 25 f London, I am working as a Management Consultant. U? 

Ms_Taqwa: Salaam! 18 Female London. I’m studying Pharmacy @ uni. 

Career_Chic: R u Single? J 

Ms_Taqwa: Nope, I’ve been married for 2 years. U? :-D 

Career_Chic: Ur married?!! :-o I’m single, thank God! How cum u r married sooooo young? Were u forced? R u religious? 

Ms_Taqwa: I try my best. No I wasn’t forced – actually I had 2 convince my family to let me marry while I was at college. It’s the best decision I ever made! J My husband is very kind and understanding. How come you are still single? Have you ever been in a relationship before? 

Career_Chic: I doubt that I wud be able 2 pursue my career whilst having a family. My education & career r important 2 me. I’ll marry later when I am ready to settle. I have been in relationships b4. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends in my past. But I’m single @ the mo! I’m not a bad girl though, if that’s what you think? L 

Ms_Taqwa: I don’t intend to judge u, but u do realize that being wid a guy without being in sum form of halal relationship according to Islam is forbidden by God. This is true even if u don’t go all the way. Its haram 2 flirt, kiss, hold hands etc. Even 2 talk 2 each other privately on the mobile in an intimate way is not right. 

Career_Chic: Yeh I know. L 

Ms_Taqwa: As 4 education; I’ve been married for the last 2 years and have continued my education. Once we have finished studying, we intend 2 start a family and start up a business 2gether. Cos of my marriage, I’ve been blessed with da wonderful companionship of my husband and the moral and practical support from both our families. 

Career_Chic: Not everyone is lucky enough to have such supportive family & in-laws…

Ms_Taqwa: Perhaps that is so, but if you are married, u at least have the security of a supportive husband. It has also helped me 2 mature and gain experience about life, which no educational institution could ever have taught me. We have satisfied each other’s sexual needs whilst protecting each other from sin.

Career_Chic: What if you were to get pregnant before you plan to have children? That would mess things up for you wouldn’t it?!

Ms_Taqwa: It is possible to get pregnant even if we try to avoid it. But I wouldn’t consider it as a misfortune. We wud have 2 reassess our priorities. But I wud take it as a blessing and a challenge from Allah. However if u consider da contrast between a child being conceived in an early marriage 2 a pregnancy in an illicit relationship, you will have to admit that it is much better to be pregnant whilst being married. If u were 2 get pregnant by a b/f that your family did not know about, what would u do? Imagine the trauma u would go through. What will that do 4 ur educational and career aspirations? However you may well decide 2 have an abortion to avoid all that stress. But from being a young woman who was just having some fun you became a woman who kills her own child in her own womb? Can you imagine living with yourself after that? Whereas, if a child was born 2 me whilst I am still a young wife, I would have the support of my husband and our families. It will be the beginning of a new and fulfilling meaning 2 our life.

Career_Chic: I can see where u r coming from, but what if I was a woman & I decided neither 2 get married young, nor have any haram relationships, but remained celibate till I was ready 4 marriage after pursuing my career? What’s wrong with that? Besides I am waiting for Mr. Right 2 come along, only then I will marry.

Ms_Taqwa: It’s a fact that Islam encourages people – in particular young women – 2  marry ASAP. Da Holy Prophet has said: “Oh people! Gabriel descended down to me from the All-Kind, All-Knowing Allah and said: ‘Virgins are like the fruits of trees. When they get ripe (mature – and the season of their plucking arrives), if they do not get picked up, the sun-heat makes them sour, and the winds of autumn make them scattered off. So are the virgin girls that when they reach puberty and attain that which the women attain (i.e. menstruation) then there is no alternative for them except to be given husbands. And if they do not marry, there would be no security that they do not get pushed towards corruption; because they are humans.’”[i]  If one decides 2 go against the teachings of the Prophet & Imams, then that person should have some very good reasons and explanations for doing so.

Career_Chic: Yes but times have changed, we live in a different era, we have different roles to play. How can we be so sure these teachings have relevance today?

Ms_Taqwa: Being in a halal relationship has always been a more natural state of existence than being single. Didn’t God create the first humans as a pair? He created Adam and Eve 2gether. This shows the natural human state of existence is when one is within a relationship with one’s spouse. Being out of this natural state brings many bad effects on the individual and the society at large. As an individual, being single for an unnecessarily long time can cause emotional and psychological problems, like frustration, loneliness, depression and general unhappiness. Delaying marriage can be detrimental – in particular to us women. We can’t afford to delay & delay & delay… because we have our biological clock ticking away. If we don’t marry and have children by the time we reach menopause, it won’t be healthy to try to mother a child after that.

Career_Chic: This is no longer relevant today, I remembering hearing something in the news that it is now possible to treat post-menopause women to be able to have children. What’s stopping me from making use of these advances?

Ms_Taqwa: Once menopause occurs, there are no longer eggs within the ovary. The only way to achieve a pregnancy is with the use of egg donation. Not only will the child not biologically be your own but pregnancy in older women can be associated with increased risks of complications such as eclampsia, seizures, stroke and death. There are many other medical reasons as to why we should marry & start procreating early rather than late. It was only the other day I was reading in the London Metro (pg.11, Tues, April 30, 2002), that new research shows a “…woman’s fertility rate starts declining as early as her late 20s. It was previously believed this deterioration began in the mid- 30s.” For men this deterioration starts in their 30’s. Also the chances of getting breast cancer increases if a woman has her first child after 30, or doesn’t have any children at all.

Career_Chic: Really? I didn’t know all that. I shall look into it and do my own research.

Ms_Taqwa: Choosing 2 marry late also affects society in a negative way. When we as women deny men the right to have a halal relationship with us it pushes men with hardly any options but 2 commit sin. This would be the case if it was the other way round too. If the majority of men decided 2 turn away from the legitimate needs of us women we too would have little choice but 2 commit sin. So with the delaying of marriage, sin in society increases. Perhaps this is why Allah says men and women are a protection for each other by describing them as garments of each other (Qur’an 2:187).  It also affects da population growth of da society.

Career_Chic: How do u mean?

Ms_Taqwa: If people delay their marriages, this fall in stable relationships decreases reproduction in society in general. This is because when people opt for illicit casual relationships they also tend to opt for the use of contraception and abortion. Hence, da birth rate drops. In da long term this can be cataclysmic 4 da society.

Career_Chic: Cataclysmic?!! I thought the world is over-populated and birth control is what we need for the healthy future of this planet?!

Ms_Taqwa: Demographically it will get 2 a point where da population of da elder-pensioner strata of da society will expand, whilst simultaneously da younger generation that would normally financially support this age group will not have been sufficiently replaced. Thus this young economically productive section of society will be too small 2 be able 2 support the elder-pensioner strata of society. Result? – We will have an economic collapse of da whole society. Western policy makers are realizing our societies are heading in this direction. We are realizing when we grow old our pensions will be worth next 2 nothing. 2 combat this, either we need 2 encourage our societies 2 start reproducing more, or we need 2 support our population’s workforce wid immigration, or encourage ppl to retire later. @ present da Western governments are starting employ all these methods to try to avoid this impending catastrophe. So all of this propaganda the West is spreading through the world that we shud control our population growth is proving 2 be nonsense. 4 our survival as a species we need 2 do quite da opposite! Subhanallah! Dis is exactly what Islam has been teaching us all along! As for waiting for Mr. Right, he’s not just going to come along and sweep you off your feet. You have 2 actively search 4 da right man, u need 2 give him a chance 2 find u! 

Career_Chic: U’ve brought up sum points I shall I have 2 think about. I’ll look into these issues and get back 2 u…[ii] 

TO BE CONTNIUED IN THE NEXT ISSUE IN CHAT ROOM DEBATE: MUTAH – USE OR ABUSE?